Our world desperately needs honorable, confident men that are internally driven by foundational values and beliefs. Solid in their minds, these men know who they are, why they are here, and where they are going in life. These men are on a mission. They are leaders and make everyone around them better.
Unfortunately, many men are not living this way. Instead, they are unsure of themselves. This insecurity leads to being influenced by external pressures. They sway from position to position, chasing after the opinions of others, expectations of others, and a need to be validated by essential people in their lives. They want to be strong but their insecurities hold them back.
In this post, I share some key steps I took to address the insecurities that plagued me and held me back from becoming a stronger man.
Living to someone else’s desires makes a man weak. This weakness bleeds over into every area a man is called to lead. His marriage, career, fatherhood, etc. They will never be as strong as they should be, and their relationships will suffer. I know. I was there. I was strong in some areas, but I had insecurities in other areas of my life. Even in the areas, I thought I was strong, I have since learned I was not as strong as I thought.
There is a way to change and fix this. You can move from the unsure man to the honorable, confident man. I did it. But it will require consistent, hard work. First, you must fix yourself and then fix the way you think about yourself. If you are willing to do the hard work, you will become the man you always wanted to be. This post is written to explain how I did this and how you can also.
A Conversation with My Wife
I sat at dinner across the table from my wife. One of the great things I enjoy doing these days is going to dinner and staring into the eyes of the woman I have been with for almost 30 years. She is a beautiful, strong woman with beautiful blue eyes. I enjoy our time together. It is one of the great blessings in my life.
This night, we talked about how things were going in our relationship.
Our relationship was not always what it is today. In the past, I was not living as a man worth following. I was not leading or loving well. My insecurities in some areas negatively impacted our relationship. I own where things were. My lack of leadership and strength resulted in a relationship going in the wrong direction.
In our conversation that night, she said something that stood out to me. She said, “the most significant difference I see in you is that you are settled and at peace with who you are.” This has brought strength and stability into our relationship.
She was right. Today, I am confident in who I am and the value I bring to the world. I learned how to lead and love myself. As a result, I can truly lead and love others. My love for others is based on how well I love myself. I am solid with the man I am today and the path of continuous improvement I am on.
How did I fix the many broken thoughts rolling around in my head that kept me from truly loving myself and being confident?
My strength throughout this process was/is rooted in my relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ. He saved me and gave me the power to persevere. Many of the steps required were painful. I had to dive head-first into my brokenness. Though the things I share will help any man, whether a believer or not, I would be remiss, not to mention that God gives me supernatural strength to overcome the hardships of life. I relied upon Him throughout the challenges of this process. He gave me the strength to persevere in it. He gave me the grit I needed to overcome.
The work I did killed many internal “demons”. I am still doing the work today and every day. Through the process, I became confident in who I am and the value I bring to the world. This has enabled me to be strong in my mind and to maximize the man God called me to be.
Here are some of the steps I took that helped me to fix myself:
How Do You Think About You?
Write down every thought you have about yourself, both good and bad. Try to put together a list of the things that roll around in your head when you think about yourself. Below are a few sources that helped me capture my thoughts. These are the types of people or events that tend to shape our mindset and how we think about ourselves. In addition to this, think about how you see yourself in different settings such as within your immediate family, extended family, work, church, community, etc.:
- Assessments (Personality, Strengths, Giftedness, etc.)
- Performance Reviews
- Spouse / Girlfriend
- Parents
- Coaches
- Bosses
- Coworkers
- Friends
- Anyone
- Trama
- Hardships
- Failures
- Victories
Put in the time to develop a reasonably exhaustive list of how you think about yourself.
What is Not True?
Review the list and strike through all that is false. Why are these things in your thoughts? When in your life did you start thinking this way? What happened? Who was involved?
For example, many men grow up having difficulty with rejection and inadequacy. Often, these thoughts come from early relationships with their parents. There are many reasons for this but it is often because they were ignored, neglected, or felt like they could never measure up. They tried to get approval from those they love, but it never happened. So even when they grow up and are successful in life, they still carry around the idea in their heads that they are not good enough and will never be fully accepted. They yearn for acceptance. The unresolved issues that caused this thinking will need to be revisited and fully addressed. Otherwise, these thoughts will continue to fuel behaviors that make it difficult for many relationships in his life. He will often find himself overreacting to criticism and escalating simple disagreements, especially with people they love and respect. This man will struggle to be strong and bring stability into his relationships. The marriage relationship and fatherhood tend to take the biggest toll.
What do you need to face and resolve? Is there a conversation you need to have with a parent, spouse, or friend? Do you need to bring something into the light that you have been ignoring? Confront the issue, put it on the table, and talk it out. Bring it into the light. Nothing gets fixed in the dark. These things fester in the darkness and tend to get worse over time. They will take deeper roots in your mind. Bring it out and work on it.
What is True That You Don’t Like?
Review the list and circle everything true that you don’t like. These items are your worklist. These are things you need to work on and level up. These are likely things that negatively impact your confidence. Some of them may be addictions; porn, alcohol, food, etc. They have been with you so long they have become part of your identity and how you think about yourself. You must change these to gain the confidence you desire. Reach out to men you trust that have won these battles. Tell them about your struggles and the change you want to make. Listen for advice and develop actions. Nothing changes without taking action. Take action and improve. Start to fix these items.
In addition to addictions start working on anything else you do not like. For example, if you are overweight or not physically fit, you need to work on this. Your fitness level will play into your ability to love yourself and be confident in who you are. If you do not like how you dress, this is what you need to work on. This will play into your ability to be confident in who you are, especially around others. Whatever it is, you need to work on the things you do not like and strengthen them.
As you work to improve, you must routinely evaluate where you are on these items and update your list. Eventually, if you continue to do the work these issues will transform from weaknesses to strengths. When they do, you need to make sure your mindset is updated with the improvements. Many men fix things on the surface but still think about themselves as “they were” rather than as “they are.” This is a critical part of the process. Continually update and align your thinking with your reality.
What is True That You Like?
How has God gifted you? What are the things you are just a “natural” at doing? When you do them, you positively impact people. You have success and help others have success. You win.
I believe God has equipped every person in unique ways to impact this world. God will often lead you to your mission in life through the process of discovering these things.
(For more on finding your mission read: Living Life in the Sweet Spot of Your Unique Design)
What about experiences you have had that have made their mark on you? These often result in great life lessons that you find yourself revisiting often for yourself and for others. These experiences have shaped you in ways that now enable you to bring value to the world.
What are you passionate about? What gets you fired up? When you talk about these things, you feel the excitement building in you, and you can often see the excitement building in others.
What skills do you have that are easy for you but not so easy for others? These are life skills you’ve learned that make you a valuable man within certain circles. All these things are strengths that you should think about often. This is who you are and the value you bring to this world. As you grow and improve this list will grow and so will your confidence and strength.
Do The Work
Nothing happens without taking action. Build the plan and start doing the work. Action changes things. Start moving forward just a little every day. Do one thing every day that moves things in the direction that makes you a better man. Start building a man you respect. Build the man you want to be.
Fix the areas that are lies. Address the root causes.
Fix the areas that are true that you don’t like. Do the work to make those weak areas strong.
Lean into the areas you know you are strong. Play to those strengths and make them even stronger.
Often reassess as you change. Update your mind to align with the work you are doing. If you consistently work, you will be in a constant state of change. Make sure your mind comes along with your improvement, and your thinking aligns with the new you.
A better man is available to those that put in the work. So put in the consistent work and maximize the man God created you to be. Become all He intended. Do not allow anything to stand in your way.
Be strong. Be a man of GRIT.
In Your Corner,
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.