“Don’t I deserve some down time?”

You fought many battles at work, slaying dragons and making things happen. Finally, you reached the end of your workday. You are on your way home and winding down from the stresses of the day. You arrive at home, enter the house, and immediately you are hit in the face with this. “The kids need help with homework”, “the sink isn’t draining the way it should”, “the delivery guy ran into the downspout today and it is cracked”, … What are you thinking?

“Give me a break! I’ve been dealing with this kind of (insert your own descriptive word) stuff from the moment I arrived at work until I got in my truck to come home!” “On the ride home, this idea was rolling around in my head about how nice it was going to be to get home and relax!” “Now, it is obvious that is not going to happen.” “Don’t I deserve some downtime and R & R?”

Your leadership does not end when you leave work

And yet, you know your leadership does not end when you leave work. The truth is you are just exchanging one hat for another. You are a leader no matter where you are. In the home, you lead as a husband, a father, and the example to the team that matters most, your family. Even when tired and unmotivated you need to step up and lead. You are the man and this is your calling. If you do not lead people suffer. Your wife takes on the burdens that you should carry. Your children suffer because though you are home, you are not present and engaged. Without you engaged, your team has no leader, no vision, no common direction.

This is just one example of the types of things we know we should do but, at times, find it difficult to muster up the grit to get it done and get it done the right way.

Comfort Entitlement

There have been times in my life I have succumbed to what I call “comfort entitlement”. I worked hard in area A and automatically thought I should be able to slack off and get a break in area B. Because of this, I feel like I gave up ground where I am called to lead. I experienced failure and lost opportunities in my home. I thought I earned the right to comfort. The pursuit of comfort led to complacency. My leadership suffered. This is a weak mindset that is not befitting of a man and it happens subtly.

It is always game time

What I realize today is that my leadership never ends. It is always “game time”. I am in the game every hour of every day. The time for rest and relaxation comes when I lay my head on the pillow at the end of the day. Even then, if an emergency arose, I would be back in the game and expected to perform. In my mind, this is what it means to be a man. So, this is what I am training my body, mind, and soul to do.

Living this “always in the game” lifestyle requires a level of grit that many men do not possess. It is not easy to respond the right way when you are tired, unmotivated, and ready for a break. The grit needed to overcome obstacles and challenges needs to be developed. The best way to develop grit is to do hard things. So, I am building a lifestyle of doing hard things in every area of my life physically, mentally, and spiritually. I push myself to grow and get better. What I am finding is that by doing so I am better prepared to respond in a way that honors God, the man in the mirror and enables me to be the rock for those I lead.

Where Do You Start?

So, where do you start if you want to build up this grit that enables you to perform consistently? For me, I started with getting in shape. This means consistent exercise and eating in a way that supports your physical fitness goals. Getting in shape and eating right involves “doing hard things” and pushing yourself when you’re not feeling it. I purposely lean in hard when these feelings creep up. I know when I don’t feel like it, this the best time to develop the grit I need. Over time, this response to the physical challenges begins to develop grit that impacts all areas of life.

As you build grit, by doing hard things physically, you will gain confidence and gain energy. This confidence transfers to other areas of life where you know you are not optimizing your performance. It doesn’t take long to think of hard things you should do that you are avoiding for some reason. Maybe its that conversation you know you should have but have been avoiding. It could be that project at work you have been putting off but is in the back of your mind and nagging you more and more each passing day. It could be that bad habit you have allowed to continue and have not confronted for months or maybe years. In all these things, write them down and start doing the hard things. Stop thinking about them. You are a man. Men do. Do the hard things!

Build a routine of doing hard things.

Let me give an example from my own life. I have a family and a challenging job. I devote my day to doing the job I have been called to do and serving my team. My evening is devoted to serving my family unit, my wife, and my son. In order to do all of this well, I need to be strong and at my best whether I feel like it or not. This is the challenge I train for. Daily I work to strengthen myself physically, mentally, and spiritually to be the best leader I can be. To do this, I have established routines of working out, reading the Bible, prayer, and reading/listening to something that will improve an area of my leadership that needs to be strengthened. (this could be home or work-related)

How am I going to establish a routine in all these areas and be consistent? I have found the only time I can truly control and be consistent is the early morning. So, I get up earlier than everyone else around me and do the work. My alarm is set for 4:30 am every day. Is it hard to do? Yes, it is hard to do. But developing grit, a key predictor of success requires “Doing Hard Things!”

Every morning my alarm goes off and I get up. I put on my headphones, listen to a passage from the Bible from my Bible app, while I make coffee. Then, I go to my workout shed and do my morning workout for the day. When I finish I meditate and pray. I eat, shower, and go to work Monday through Friday. While driving to work I listen to a podcast or audiobook on an area I need to strengthen. On the weekends I usually write in the mornings and meet with my Fraternity of Excellence brothers via video. The Fraternity of Excellence surrounds me with men of like minds that are constantly improving themselves and pushing me to improve. I cannot overstate the help they provide to me. (you can join by clicking on the sidebar on my blog) Every day I put in the work to train myself to be stronger in the midst of hardship. Every day, I improve my capability to do hard things and respond more effectively.

Another thing I try to do throughout the day is think about the things I am avoiding but know I should do. Like most people, I find myself gravitating to the things I enjoy. The problem is sometimes these are not the things that would make me a stronger leader. The harder, less enjoyable things I am avoiding are typically the ones I will benefit from most. These are the tasks I jump on and get done. After a while, I start looking for the hard things because I realize that the hard things are the things that make me stronger and develop grit. The more I develop grit, the higher the probability I will succeed.

I don’t want to give the impression that I never do enjoyable things because I do. I watch movies every so often with the family, go on hikes, go camping, hunting, and many other things. I truly enjoy life. But the change I have made is to be purposeful about developing this mentality of maximizing my ability to face and do hard things well. This is what men do. This is our role and we must train physically, mentally and spiritually so we can do this to our fullest potential.

So, what areas in your life would you like to see more success? What routines of doing hard things can you develop in those areas? Why can’t you start doing it right now? Add your thoughts in the comments below or email me with comments, questions, and/or feedback.

In your corner,

Most of my life has been relatively safe and fairly comfortable when compared to most of the world outside the United States. I mean, I have not been fighting for my life. Besides a few times on a backpacking trip, I have not wondered where the next meal is going to come from. I have not faced the level of hardships I see in many parts of the world. I think a vast majority of people growing up in the United States over the past several decades have had similar experiences. Of course, there are exceptions. One more obvious exception would be the brave men and women serving in combat zones in our great military. Another would be the men and women in blue keeping our streets safe. And there are many more but for most people in the United States our “hardships” would be classified as “first world problems”. We just do not face life threatening situations on a routine basis.

“Could there be a downside to living a life of ease and comfort?“

Of course, in almost all cases, I believe this is a good thing. The safety and security we experience is a testament to the strength of our country and the efforts of those that work tirelessly to protect it both here and abroad. But could there be a downside to living a life of ease and comfort? One downside in my mind is the way certain ideas arise in times of ease and comfort that would not happen in more difficult times. Those ideas can have a negative impact on our society. I believe there are philosophies that only take root in times of ease and comfort that would never survive in times of testing.

One such negative side effect is the growing sentiment against something that has played such a huge part in establishing and sustaining our families, our communities and our great country. I am talking about masculinity. I believe masculinity has taken an unfortunate blow over the past several years. My observation is that comfortable times have made it easy to downplay the value of masculine men. Because we are not faced with danger and life-threatening situations on a routine basis the need for masculine strength is not as apparent to many. It becomes much easier to dismiss masculine men when things are easy. I think many men have allowed comfortable times and societal pressures to lull them into complacent weakness. Men, if not careful, can fall into the trap of believing the narrative that expressing their natural masculinity is somehow wrong. At times, in some subtle ways, I have allowed this to happen in my own life.

“Many men are not prepared for hard times“

I believe God specifically equips men with characteristics that uniquely enable us to survive, protect and provide for others. These characteristics include things like strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, integrity, potential aggressiveness, potential destructiveness, potential brutality, assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for adventure, thirst for experience, boisterousness, and power. When we start to believe these things no longer hold a high position and great value in our society it becomes easier to lose the sense of our God given purpose. It doesn’t take long, and we are off the path that leads to greatness and drifting along the worn path that leads to “wherever”. When men are just drifting through life, I believe all of society suffers because we do not “drift” into greatness. We drift into comfort, laziness and complacency. When this happens families suffer, cities suffer, states suffer, and nations suffer.

There are segments of society where the masculine nature of man is considered something that should be repressed rather than strengthened. The idea of a man being aggressive and engaging in conflict to make needed change is considered a detriment rather than an asset. Imagine repressing this nature for many years and then one day facing a difficult situation that requires a fighter. What happens when those that have not utilized these God given characteristics for years must step up and engage in the battle? What happens when it comes time for warriors to step up and protect and provide but all we have are soft, mild natured, “nice guys”? Imagine this type of man exploring the untamed wilderness of our country, surviving the wild west, fighting the brutal wars of our history, etc.

Many in our society would like us to think the masculine nature of a man has passed its time. But I think times are changing. I think we face a future of uncertain, challenging times. The man that develops himself physically, mentally, and spiritually will be prepared to meet these challenges head on. This kind of man is of great value today and will be of great value in the days ahead. The challenges we face today reveal many men are not prepared for hard times. We have work to do.

“In the middle of chaos there will be some men that are “rocks”“

My observations are there are many men pushed around by the waves of life that constantly buffet against us. Waves of information, challenges, philosophies, that are designed to incite emotion are continuously bombarding us. These waves move the crowds around us into fear and/or outrage and simply control the masses. Unfortunately, many in the controlled masses are men. However, at the same time, I see an opportunity that presents itself to the few. In the middle of the chaos there will be some men that are “rocks”. The rocks are those who stand firm while the waves smash against them. The rocks are those that others can anchor to. The rocks are confident, courageous, and bold. The rocks are those others look to for stability in uncertain, unstable, hard times. This world needs more rocks.

Not too long ago I realized I became complacent. I was drifting into becoming part of the problem. Most probably did not notice. However, when I looked in the mirror, I was not happy with the man looking back at me. Physically, I was out of shape, mentally I was not growing and spiritually I was empty. Somewhere along the way I started down the path of becoming soft and I was not leading as well as I knew I could. It was time to get serious about being the man God created me to be. I think in some ways, at some level, I bought in to the ideas around me and lost my bearing. I lost the sense of purpose regarding what it means to be a man. I started morphing into something I was never meant to be. It was time to dig deep into the grit I know I possess. It was time to do the work of making change.

“What matters is what God thinks and what the man in the mirror thinks“

As I sat and assessed things, I realized that it really does not matter whether the world values or respects the strength of a man. What matters is what God thinks and what the man in the mirror thinks. It was time to do the work. This was the beginning of an awakening for me and a time to refocus. I began the journey to be a rock.

If you are a man reading this, you have been made to be a rock that is immovable not just another guy pushed around by the waves. But this journey requires grit and discipline. You can be a man that can be counted on in tough times if you want to be. That is what I am striving for in my life. That is what I need to be for my wife, son and those I am called to lead. That is what I ask God to give me strength to be. It is the target of my efforts every day. I desire to strengthen myself physically, mentally, and spiritually so I can honor God, be true to the man in the mirror and be a rock for those around me. What about you, my brothers? What do you want to be?

“A few ideas to get you started on your journey to becoming a rock“

If you read this, are inspired and serious about making changes in your life, here are a few ideas to get you started on your journey to becoming a rock.

#1 – LINK UP WITH LIKE-MINDED MEN – You will need a tribe, a team of men that are also serious about making changes. In the end, you need to make sure you have enough people in your life that you regularly engage with that encourage you in changing and will hold you accountable to do what you say. A first step could be signing up for my email group. I would appreciate the opportunity to interact with you and help you work through building your plan. What has worked for me is the Fraternity of Excellence. You can join FoE by clicking on the link on the sidebar of my blog. Another consideration is you may need to distance yourself from those holding you back. If there are people in your life that make it more difficult to make progress, you may need to consider separating yourself from them. Think about the voices you listen to. Do they encourage you to move forward or are they holding you back? Build a team that helps you create momentum and daily discipline in your life.

#2 – STOP THINKING AND START DOING – Identify one thing physically, one thing mentally and one thing spiritually that you will start to do daily. This does not have to be something major. Just do something. For example, do push-ups one day and sit-ups the next day and continue that and make it an everyday routine. Every week increase the number you do so you are getting a little better than the week before. Read a book that inspires you in an area that you want to improve. Set a goal to read x pages a week or x books in a month. Pray, meditate, or do something every day to strengthen your soul. Get alone, sit still, and think about the day ahead. If you pray, pray. Think through the things you believe and how they will apply to the day and prepare yourself to be the rock in the day ahead.

#3 – TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU ARE DOING – In all these things tell someone who cares that you are doing them. Ask them to be a part of your journey and track your progress. Ask them to ask you about your progress on a regular basis. This is something that has helped me in my journey. When you just keep these things to yourself it becomes easier to back away from what you committed to. Your commitment level over time can wane away. You will always find reasons to not do hard things. But hard things are the way to improving. When you are trying to establish those hard things tell someone about it and ask them to remind you of what you committed to. Ask them to challenge you and ask why if they see you backing off.

Brothers, let’s build a team of men that have the grit required to do the work and become the rocks that our society desperately needs.

In your corner,